Kirstie Alley, Leah Remini and all the other lovable adherents of the embattled religion, fighting!
Scientologists are the touchiest tax-exempt fellows on the planet. Just glance at them the wrong way and you could find yourself in front of a judge or on the receiving end of a rabid harassment campaign. Woe to those who cross the adherents of the e-meter…you may reap the whirlwind of Xenu, Scientology’s malevolent overlord. (You know, the guy who 75 million years ago brought his sheep-people to planet Earth on a fancy aircraft, piled them around volcanoes and exploded them with hydrogen bombs.)
The upside for gawking nonbelievers is that the infighting that surrounds members’ comings and goings is both hilarious and never-ending. When TV’s Kirstie Alley took to Howard Stern’s radio show recently to attack Scientology apostate Leah Remini (she’s also on television), it was only the latest beef roiling the Galactic Confederacy. Let’s review…
Kirstie Alley vs. Leah Remini
Remini—aka Stacey Carosi—left the church last summer, and has been critical of its strange ways ever since. This is, of course, a grave insult to Alley, a devoted Church acolyte who took umbrage to Remini’s allegations that the church’s dealings are shady and its practices are evil. “I have blocked her on Twitter,” Alley told Stern. “Because she is a bigot.” It has all been downhill for Alley since the final installment of the Look Who’s Talking franchise, which, by the way, was really an adaption of Dianetics, L. Ron Hubbard’s best-selling science-fiction novel.
Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields
Tom Cruise bashed Brooke Shields’ advocacy of postpartum anti-depressants in 2005. In fact, he went on The Today Show and said, “She doesn’t understand the history of psychiatry.” This wasn’t very sensitive, as Shields had suffered from terrible postpartum depression in 2003, after her daughter was born. She shot back in The New York Times, calling his remarks “a disservice to mothers everywhere,” but she should have said, “Anthony Edwards carried Top Gun, and I am like 2 feet taller than you.”
Paul Haggis vs. Tommy Davis
Paul Haggis is a famous Hollywood director. Tommy Davis is the son ofFatal Attraction’s Anne Archer and the former head of the church’s Celebrity Center, which was kind of like being Scientology’s version of Kris Jenner: a shrewd, starfucking Lady Macbeth. Haggis left the church in 2009 after Davis wouldn’t denounce certain comments made by an affiliate in support of Proposition 8. Apparently the church, until then, had been quite reasonable.
John Travolta vs. Josh Brolin
In Lawrence Wright’s 2011 New Yorker article, “The Apostate,” about Paul Haggis’ defection from the Church of Scientology, Josh Brolin revealed that John Travolta had attempted to heal a cut on Marlon Brando’s leg at a Hollywood party years ago using magical Scientology powers. Brolin, recalling the event, remembered thinking, “This is fucking bizarre!” Travolta was not amused and denied the story. But one thing John Travolta won’t deny: His dancing is delicious.
Jenna Elfman vs. John Roecker
John Roecker is an indie film director, and in 2006 he made a dear mistake when he wore a shirt that read: “Scientology is gay!” He’d been walking in the Los Feliz neighborhood of Los Angeles when “Dharma and Greg” survivor Elfman and her husband, some of the church’s staunchest defenders, allegedly accosted him. She was reportedly furious and screamed at Roecker, “Have you ever raped a baby?” Touché.